An Obliteration

Can’t believe, what’s happening and what’s gonna be. People say you eventually become oblivious of the ‘’loss’’ or ‘’damage’’ you’re suffering because of HER. Just some days ago, found all emails sent to her and sent to me permanently deleted. Hundreds of emails, they were not just the ‘’emails’’ but very symbol of our relationship, amity which is, it seems, now in peril (not because of me, but her)…Damn! It hurts, It’s excruciating, It’s just worse than the death. I’ve always been interested in emailing stuff. And, it’s me who whetted her appetite for emails. She still says she used to visit internet cafes only to check my emails. My email inbox was full of her emails, hundreds of them. She said she deleted them in wrath and now she’s feeling bad. But I didn’t find her sincere when she was explaining her things about the matter. I recall the cold, dark night of 15th Dec; she was behaving as though she never knew me before. I also went on with some foul rantings. She might have thought me lunatic, crazy. Whatever…I had gone almost insane and threatened to call her home and reveal everything. She kept shuddering in those 56 minutes(I explicitly felt it by her trembling voice in the phone). Later, she switched off her mobile and disconnected her home phone till morning. Later, she told me she stayed with the home phone throughout the next day (as she feared me I might reveal the ‘’secret’’ to her family). She called me lately that day saying she wants to meet me again, nothing can be decided at first meeting etc, etc. I went crazy, later found myself into a state of oblivion. I didn’t go there neither to be liked by nor to like her. I went there to MEET her because we had decided to meet.

From 16th December onwards, she started calling me at least twice a day and asked to forgive her. I preferred to remain mute but also tried to explain why I met her and what the consequences (of her acts) would be in later days. She kept calling me for some days after then. I consulted with my own Dinesh Dai and forgave her. It’s been nearly a week I’ve not meet her….. But I’m left helpless and hapless. Dunno what to do. She says she wants to meet me again and decide the things. Before we met, we had had some understandings regarding our meeting. She knows well what kinda person I’m, how do I look etc because we’ve been in contact for more than 2 years. She used to say, whatever you look, I accept you and tell my family about you. I was encouraged more. Because I’m not hunk-sunk or anything like that. Just an ordinary guy, bit shy and reclusive. I went to meet her, was dressed casually…………..Now I think, things would have been very much different had I meet her here in Pokhara or Budhanilkantha (in Kathmandu).

I’m mesmerized by her.

She might not believe it and it may sound ridiculous, but I’m remembering her every second (hypnotized, mesmerized, obsessed…).

*tears rolls down the cheek*

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