5:15 PM, Sunday, 7 June, 2009 : The day marks a memorable happening in my life especially after surviving ‘the tragedy’ of Dec 15, 2008. I was astonished at her sudden online appearance in this half a year, for me actually like ages. Having been taken aback largely by her clandestine presence, I went delirious at first then started to shudder. Somehow I managed to talk little to her, and put some of my queries/questions forth in return of satisfactory reply which I’ve foreseen as appeasing factor in my nearly ruined hell-like life. I’m still not believing the moment I spent with her. Was she a real ‘SHE’ I adore or just a fake spirit arrived only to relapse me further? My conscience was also puzzled, unable to help me discern her. Whatever….I must accept (I accepted too) for I have no other option but to wait and pray for her presence, she was ‘SHE’. But she left suddenly and early without bidding me goodbye, leaving me more distraught with slight shiver. Didn’t rise from the couch until I was shouted at for dinner. Dinner? I’ve been eating only to not become hungry, not for taste, nutrition nor health. And repercussions of my unusual food behavior has been well seen : I’ve lost more than 7 kg of weight, thinner and paler, more vulnerable to common cold and fever.
Did she really visit me today? I hardly disbelieve. Even if I don’t believe, then Who she might be? a spirit? Or because of my wild and disturbed mentality, I was made hallucinate? I know not. Now tired of futile attempt of seeking authenticity of her sudden online appearance, for It could be a spirit too in disguise of ‘Her’. Nowadays, I dread people more than any evils or spirits , for they are full of betrayals, devilish deeds and only deserve a hatred from my side. Oh my, Who she was? the one on the earth I adore? or just a hallucination of a disturbed mind? Dear Diary, I’ve now found difficult more than any before to move across the keys on keyboard to inscribe my daily-life events here in your pages. If she was really ‘She’, I dread, she might not have been treated well or I was hold on from revealing all of my appalling pains in front of her? Did I miss a chance which comes for once in decades? Will she ever make her presence again here in my front?
Dear Diary, I’m not in normalcy. My fate devastated, annihilated, no sign of resurrection. You’ll be left empty after I depart? I must thank you for being my close confidant, for providing me your warm pages full of solace and sympathies. You inspired me when I was in bliss; now in gruesome state, soothing me. You will never know dear diary, what a help you are to me. Once my thoughts find their way into your pages, I’m free to start over.
Dear Diary, What a fool I’ve been! To risk my friendship with the one on this earth who understands me, when deep in my heart I know my worries comes more from a fear that She speaks the truth. Each part of Her explanations, narrations haunts me, for It makes so much sense.