Mom, I Want To Sleep

Sleep has long been eluding me. Now, I desperately want it back. Where could I find it? Certainly not on my fluffy bed. Mom’s lap and her warm cuddle; all I crave for now. Resting my head on her lap, gazing at some objects around and then quickly falling asleep; I fantasize being her youngest child and she as doting mother.

I’ve already stepped into late 20s and merely can’t expect all these.

Sorry, mom can’t always bring me my elusive sleep back. Then? SHE! Only She could calm me, could help me get into my sleep. Here, my mom loses to HER.

Each moments are excruciating and I’m barely tolerating them. Till when? My heart seeks HER, wants HER, longs HER; cos it loves HER. Another moment, I collapse remembering I’ve been a nerd who was stripped of his love and made ashamed for the rest of his life. I’ve virtually been afflicted by kind of ‘Inferiority Complex’ since then. I’ve become a misanthropic, misogynist, reclusive, more coward; all at once. Thanks to the ‘love’ I did.

I hope she’s been OK and doing her exams well (she’s having her semester exams). Exam schedule is delayed by months in TU whereas we in PU already started our new session (from June 1) and will have another exam held by early October.

Diary was unwritten for several days. Prostrated with guilt, my misdemeanors, estranged love and been nerdy: I’m badly battered with these nuisances and they have been the cause behind my reluctance to write entries each day. However, the pain I’ve been suffering at times motivates me to scribble down my heart here. I can’t cry in public nor in front of my family, but could express my pain and relieve myself a bit here. Man gets inspired either in happiness or in pain. But pain influences him more. I began writing here in my heydays of my love and now giving it continuity when reeling under suffering.

I want to sleep.

Should I now start taking sedatives so I could sleep?

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