I’m writing this entry especially for Her, though I often quote her in my entries. I was already in distraught and had no ‘energy’ to add entry here since I wrote my previous once some days ago. But she still inspires me and I think I must write before things go further worse and misunderstood.
I know what I’m doing is really not good and It hardly helps me achieve what I’ve been dying for. I greatly fear if these ludicrous acts make me look stupid and not worthy infront of my friends esp. HER. I now really fear and wish I were not doing all these which makes her feel bad, not good, ridiculous and lower my image in front of her. I greatly fear whether she’s taken me as stupid, not worthy etc. I know I myself already lowered my reputation (with my absurdities) and I think there is hardly anything left which could revive her same good feelings to me. But.. I just can’t stop myself. I just can’t resist when it’s about her. I know, I only know there’s not a single moment I don’t remember her. It’s excruciating, I know. I myself wonder why I’ve been complete unable to lower her remembrances which just makes me go worse all but always.
But very sadly, She doesn’t think I hold any such feelings. She doesn’t believe I do love her. I know It’s all cos of my own stupidity, craziness and absurdity. But what could I do? I just can’t repress my strong feelings and they only make me look ridiculous and more stupid and prompt me do more stupid acts. I already did a great blunder which might be irreversible and not correctable but…human learn from their mistakes. I know, what I did to her was really a grave mistake and I’m always guilty and ashamed forever. I know and she might know why I was prompted to do all those wicked and bad acts. I tried for several times and still trying to convince her of it. It was all improvised, not really any deliberations. It was not anything of my bad intention, my friend.
I can’t rip my chest apart to show and prove my love nor could do anything other but writing my feelings here and in emails. And when I can’t prove my affection (and she doesn’t feel it in my writings) and her remembrances goes worse; I go really mad, violent and more distraught and act stupidly, ridiculously. I know. I know I need to be controlled. But how? It’s NOT POSSIBLE in her absence…. Yeah when she turns up, I feel calm, controlled, soothed. She heals me. I know. I never loved anyone before nor did any begging. I actually didn’t give a f**k to any. I’m not good looking but even in my teen age I really didn’t give f**k to any girls. I never went after them, ogled them. I was not hunky adonis but still didn’t like any girls. I never thought they are worth enough so I could go with them, for my psyche was high since my childhood and I never thought they equal to my style (in academic sense). Moreover, being within the strict family discipline and ethics we were not supposed to look at them and go after. Do I look proud?… That might be the reason why I’m still chaste. I know, I might have taken some ‘stupid’ steps to lure girls over online later, but they were just of my silliness, I now realize. In those initial days of my internet life, it’s usual for a guy to look for females to have some fun in chat and emails (Now, online chat is getting obsolete due to large availability of mobile phones). May be I was doing the same and asking for their attention. She had not come into my life yet. When She came, my life took a sharp turn. It was only after sometimes, I started feeling ‘something’ on her which I was looking for and which could equal to me, my conscience, my psyche; which could complete me. I was already frustrated over various things mainly about my humdrum life but when I started loving her, I gradually was rid of my frustration and was becoming happier. Love really makes a big difference. Woman’s love plays a great role in a guy’s life.
You know what, I think what I did in my initial days in cyberworld was a result of my immature mind. Rishi Raj says, To understand things well, guys need to be at least 25 or more. Females already become matured in their late 10s or early 20s. I’m already 25 and now I’m understanding somewhat if not well and outright.