Monthly Archives: January 2010

Going Rogue

Going rogue? Don’t mistake it as a memoir of Sarah Palin. I sometimes feel such as if I’m going rogue to a great extreme.

When you let someone come closer and they leave, you feel lost, deserted. You get hurt, it’s obvious. But, you don’t believe and you keep insisting on yourself, your own hunch. Hunch bears no proof and when one strives to explain, they only ridicule themselves. I know, this applies to me too.

It’s true, you can’t always be too available. For someone, especially after they depart. Your own conscience, pride and self-esteem don’t let you be so. You miss them; you cry for days, weeks, years; you devote all your (to them) but still they don’t come back. You need to move on hobbling if not striding (cos you can’t). This is a tragic but long-practiced aspect of human life. May be, I’m refusing to get along with this.

Yes, I’m refusing. I’m still not ready to accept whatever had happened is true. May be, I want to get the things the way they were or in the least, I want to get them them right even if they have gone wrong and annihilated. I don’t think I’m being irrational.

I can’t stand losing her to another man. But, she will get hitched someday with someone. She will have to, as every others. I MUST die to rid myself of all these pains. The only concern is, though I always want her good, I don’t want her marry any other guy even if she stays happy with them. I know, I won’t be able to prevent her from going with someone else even if I die. And, even if I live, I was told I could never get her back.

Should I kill her then? NOOOO. It’s demonic. It’s hellish thought. What else to to?! I have seemingly no other options but to go extreme. But…She’s so precious to me that I can’t give her even a slightest trouble. She’s my love. I want her good only. Only good and happiness. Lots of them. Want her smile always. Want her enjoy even the smallest things. She’s my love. She’s. She’s there, that’s why I’ve been living here.

*Gasps* Sometimes I collapse into deep despair thinking about my odiousness and hideousness. I really think there’s no use of me anymore and I’m only being a burden to myself, my family. I got my study halted. I somehow presented my dissertation, but got stuck on some subjects…I go so melancholic. A great disappointment and frustration engulfs me. I think about dying. Her remembrances always drive me distraught. May be I’m reeling under the death throes.

I know, she has been an inspiration too. At times, I try–though I oftentimes fail– enjoying things remembering (not ‘missing’, when I ‘miss’ her- as others, it’s a human nature – I always go worse) her. When being with her (though rarely), I all but forget pains to a great extent.

Advertisements

बिर्सन खोजिएको सत्य

आज पुस 27 गते, पृथ्वी जयन्ती तथा राष्ट्रिय एकता दिवस । नेपाल राष्ट्रका निर्माता श्री 5 पृथ्वीनारायण शाहको सम्झनामा मनाउने गरिएको यो महान दिन केही वर्षदेखि पात्रोबाट हराएको छ वा भनौं जबरजस्ती हटाईएको छ । परिवर्तनको दुहाई दिनेहरुले ऐतिहासिक सत्यलाई जसरी कुल्चने र बिर्सने कुचेष्टा गरेका छन्, त्यसको भावी परिणाम त सुखद हुँदैन नै, बरु अहिल्यै नै त्यसका डरलाग्दा सँकेतहरु देखिन थालिसकेका छन् । राष्ट्रनिर्माता श्री 5 पृथ्वीले एकताबद्ध गरेको मुलुक अहिले छिन्नभिन्न हुने खतरातर्फ अघि बढिरहेको छ । तर रोक्ने कोही छैन । फेरि एकपटक श्री 5 पृथ्वीको आवश्यकता छ यो देशमा । दु:ख-सुख सदियौंदेखी शाहवँशको छहारीमा हुर्केको नेपालले अहिलेको यो तथाकथित गणतन्त्र र यसबाट सिर्जित अराजकता, राज्यहीनता, अव्यवस्था र हिंसारुपी चर्को घाम सहन नसक्ने देखिईसकेको छ । विगतलाई कलंकित बनाउँदैमा भविष्य सुखद हुँदैन । सत्यलाई बिर्सन, लुकाउन त खोजिएला, तर सकिन्न । किनकि सत्य अजर, अमर र सर्वव्यापी  हुन्छ । 

अरु त अरु, केही समयअघि सम्पन्न गोरखा महोत्सवमा पनि राष्ट्रनिर्माताको बारेमा कहींकतै एउटा शब्द पनि उल्लेख गरिएन जबकि गोरखा आज जे छ, त्यो राष्ट्रनिर्माता पृथ्वीकै देन हो ।

राष्ट्रनिर्माता श्री 5 पृथ्वीप्रति हार्दिक श्रद्धान्जली तथा सम्झना !!!

केही तथ्यहरु

1. अनमिन प्रमुख क्यारन ल्यान्डग्रेन हुन् तर उनी अचेल करिन ल्यान्डग्रेन भएकी छन् । मिडीयालगायतकाहरुले उनको नाम ‘क्यारन’ लाई ‘करिन’ बनाईदिए । यो त रामलाई रिमा भनेजस्तो भएन र ? गजब छ, नेपाली मिडीया । यतिखेर त फुस्केको साँढे झैं मिडीया यति सशक्त छ कि कसैले यसमाथि अँकुश लगाउने कुरा सोच्न पनि सक्दैन, जस्तै मै हुँ भन्ने शासकले पनि । राजा ज्ञानेन्द्रको सत्ता बहिर्गमनमा मिडीयाको ठूलो हात रह्यो । तात्तातो र उत्तेजक समाचार पस्किने दौडमा मिडीयाले समाजमा अराजकता फैलाउन खोजेका उदाहरण प्रशस्तै छन् । 

2. केपी ओली एमालेभित्रका काँग्रेसी हुन् भन्दा फरक नपर्ला । भारतको प्रमुख विश्वासपात्रको रुपमा चिनिएका यी कुटील र धुर्त नेताले अहिले देश नै हाँकेका छन् भन्न सकिन्छ । माधव नेपाललाई प्रधानमन्त्री बनाउन यिनको ठूलो भूमिका छ । एमालेभित्र मात्र नभई सरकारमा समेत यिनको प्रत्यक्ष-परोक्ष नियन्त्रण छ । शायद कुनै दिन प्रधानमन्त्री/ राष्ट्रपति बन्ने ताकमा रहेका यिनको भक्तपुरस्थित बंगला देख्दा जिब्रो टोक्नुपर्ने हुन्छ ।

3. निरीह झलनाथ खनाल देख्दा माया लाग्छ । निर्वाचित अध्यक्ष भएर के गर्नु, लगाम अर्कैको हातमा छ । प्रधानमन्त्री बनेर खनालहरुको ईज्जत राख्लान् कि भनेको त, कहाँ हुनु केपी ओलीले नमज्जासँग थाङ्नामा पो सुताईदिए, सुताईरहेकै छन् । यी अत्यन्त अक्षम सावित भए । एमालेलाई एउटा स्पष्ट दिशा दिन यिनले पनि सकेनन् । एमाले कहिले काँग्रेसको पुच्छर बन्यो, कहिले माओवादीको । बनिरहेकै छ  । एमाले आँफैको पुच्छर चाहिं कहिले पलाउला ?  

4. मेरी आमा मलाई ‘कान्छी’ भन्नुहुन्छ (कहिलेकाहीं) । शुरुशुरुमा सबैको अगाडी उहाँले कान्छी भन्दा मलाई अप्ठ्यारो लाग्थ्यो । अचेल त म यति अभ्यस्त भैसकेको छु कि आमाको मप्रतिको ममता सबभन्दा बढी म यही शब्दमा अनुभव गर्दछु ।

5. मैले ‘वालीट’ लिन छाडेको वर्षौं भयो । बीई भर्ना गर्नुभन्दा अगाडी केही समय मैले जागिर खाएको थिएँ र जब छोडें, ‘वालीट’ मैले त्यसपछि कहिल्यै बोकिनँ । मन नै लाग्दैन । अनावश्यक बोझ महशुश हुन्छ जिन्जमा । फेरि पैसा प्रशस्त भए पो ‘वालीट’ बोक्नु ! क्याम्पस जाँदा-आउँदाको बसभाडालाई किन चाहियो ‘वालीट’ !

6. मोबाईलमा घण्टी बज्यो भने मलाई झर्को लाग्छ, रिस उठ्छ । धेरै भयो, मैले मोबाईलको मोह त्यागेको । जब कतैबाट ‘कल’ आउँछ, म झटपट काटिदिन्छु वा ‘साईलेन्स’ मा राखिदिन्छु । परिवारका सदस्य बाहेक बाहिरका व्यक्तिहरुको ‘कल’ म सकेसम्म ‘रिसिभ’ गर्दिनँ । सबै पराया हुन् । को कस्को साथी छ र ! सबै स्वार्थका लागि नै मित्रताको नाटक गर्ने हुन् । त्यसैले मलाई अचेल मान्छेहरुदेखी घृणा लाग्छ । मान्छेहरु दिनानुदिन मोबाईलमुखी हुँदैछन् तर म भने झन् झन् विमुख ।

7. फेरि पनि मलाई मोबाईल नभै हुँदैन । जहाँ जाँदा, जहिलेसुकै, म मोबाईल साथमै बोक्छु , ट्वाईलेट-बाथरुम जहाँ जाँदा होस् । एकै छिन पनि मोबाईल साथमा नहुँदा छट्पटी हुन्छ मलाई । छैन त अनौठो ? अनि अँ, मोबाईल म सँधै जीन्ज वा प्यान्टको पछाडीको दाहिनेपट्टीको खल्तीमा बोक्छु । यसरी बोक्दा मोबाईल हराउने, खस्ने, कसैले झिकिदिने डर त हुन्छ नै, अनि बस्दाखेरी अनावश्यक नम्बर थिचिएर कल हुने सम्भावना पनि रहन्छ र धेरैचोटी यस्तो भएको पनि छ । फेरि ‘किप्याड’ म कहिल्यै ”लक’ गर्दिनँ । यो राम्रो होईन; खोई किन, तर मलाई यही नै मन पर्छ र ‘चेन्ज’ गर्नै सक्दिनँ ।

8. अत्यन्त चिन्तित हुँदा कहिलेकाहीं म ‘हे राम’ भन्छु, रामलाई पुकार्छु । मलाई रामको ईश्वरीय पक्ष होईन, राजाको रुपमा उनको मनुष्य-पक्ष मन पर्दछ । हुन पनि उनी ‘मर्यादा पुरुषोत्तम रामचन्द्र’ को नामबाट मनुष्य रुपमा बढी पुजिन्छन् । 

9. मलाई अचम्म लाग्छ, मान्छेहरु पोखराको ‘डेभिस फल’ हेर्न किन आउँदा हुन् । के छ र त्यहाँ हेर्नुपर्ने कुरा । त्यही फेवातालको पानी गहिरो गल्छी हुँदै जमिनमुनि धसिएको छ । महेन्द्रपुल अथवा के.आई.सिङ पुलबाट सेती धसिएको हेर्नेलाई ‘डेभिस फल’ कुनै आकर्षक लाग्दैन । त्यसैले होला, पर्यटकहरु पनि मुश्किलले केही थोरै मिनेट मात्र त्यहाँ अडिन्छन् । मलाई लाग्छ, ‘डेभिस फल’ ले आवश्यकताभन्दा बढी चर्चा र महत्व पाएको छ र पोखरा घुम्न आउनेहरुका लागि यो ‘खाए खा, नखाए घिच्’ झैं भएको छ । दशकौं अघि डेभिस नाम गरेका पर्यटकहरु त्यहाँ खसेर बेपत्ता नहुँदा हुन् त शायद यो ठाउँ कहिल्यै चर्चित हुने थिएन । पोखरामा आईसकेपछि एकचोटी ‘डेभिस फल’ जानैपर्ने जुन बाध्यता र मान्यता स्थापित भएको छ, त्यो बेकार हो भन्ने म ठान्दछु किनकि ‘डेभिस फल’ हेर्न आउनुभनेको समय र पैसाको बर्बादी मात्रै हो । बरु, त्यहीं नजिक रहेको ‘गुप्तेश्वर महादेव गुफा’ कैयौं गुणा बढी आकर्षक छ ।

पाताले छाँगो ईतिहास भईसक्यो । अहिले जताततै ‘डेभिस फल’ को चर्चा छ । पार्दी उहिल्यै ‘लेकसाईड’ बनिसक्यो । बैदाम ताल कहिलेबाट ‘फेवा ताल’ कहलियो, मलाई थाहा छैन । बाह्य हमला र हस्तक्षेप राजनीतिक र कुटनीतिक तहमा मात्र होईन, हाम्रो मौलिक सँस्कृति, परम्परा र सँस्कारमा पनि सामान्य बनिसकेको छ । हामी आमा होईन, ‘मम्मी’ भन्न रुचाउँछौं । सानैदेखी बच्चाहरुलाई विदेशी भाषा, सँस्कृति सिकाईएको छ, गाउँ-गाउँमा समेत । हाम्रो आफ्नै परम्परा, सँस्कृति भने लोपोन्मुख छ । के कसैलाई विदेशी परम्परा र सँस्कृति भन्दा उसको आफ्नै रहनसहन, सँस्कृति प्यारो हुनुपर्ने होईन र ?

‘भूमण्डलीकरण/विश्वव्यापीकरणको स्वभाविक प्रभाव’ भनेर मात्र हामी हाम्रा यी गलत हरकतबाट उम्कन सक्दैनौं ।

The Best Film Of 2009


It’s been long, I’ve lost communication with her. Her remembrances are just getting worse. Dunno, when she turns up. No one, not even she, knows how I’ve been subsisting on her every single word scribbled either in email, SMS (long ago) or instant-message. This is utter ridiculous, people might laugh at me. But I DON’T CARE. F**K THEM ALL. No one knows, and again not even she, how much inspiration she could be to me, to help calm me. Let alone the love I hold, for it’s already been largely overshadowed by some of my own stupid acts I performed as I plummeted into complete madness in the aftermath of the ‘apocalypse’. Now, I’m paying the price of what I did. It’s so distressing. I could do nothing but repenting contritely. But, there’s no one to understand. There’s hardly anyone who could understand in what circumstance I was made to act. It’s so sad.

The Worst Cinema Experience

I even didn’t know Titanic’s titan and Terminator’s talent James Cameron’s much hyped sci-fi epic ‘Avatar‘ was already on local theatre. The Obamas also watched this blockbuster during their Christmas holiday in Hawaii. My cousins in Kathmandu told me they already watched it. How could I be an exception! Anticipating a great movie experience, this noon, after years, I went to a local theatre in Tersapatti. But I was left quite disappointed soon after seconds I entered the hall. I know, our poorly managed theatres lack technology to exploit this 3D state-of-the-art movie with it’s full taste. But still, I had hoped some decent 2D screening…….Damn it, the show was so poor that I nearly left the hall even before the film concludes. Audio was dubbed with Hindi voice, picture was so blurred and darkened. Sound system was so raucous and piercing that sometimes I had to close my ears to avoid being inflicted hard with it.  All my expectations met a sharp downturn. I wasted time and money for NOTHING. I somehow spent nearly two and half hours and I must say, plot was of formula type but CGI so marvellous.

I think, Avatar might not win the Academy Award for best picture or director or actor but I’m sure It could win the award for it’s high-tech visual effects and CGI.

Film distributors in Nepal could have imported a good print of it, if not original. This way, a good film is tainted so badly. I don’t know, how is the screening of this movie on cinemas in Kathmandu. But here in Pokhara, we really lack good theatres, good enough for Hollywood movies so we could enjoy the movies with full taste.

I would watch this movie on DVD (I wonder when do I have my first Blu-ray player!) if I keep managing surviving this life.

After years, I went to theatre and I met nothing but a very bad movie experience.

The Best Movie

I’m a great fan of adventure, sci-fi, fantasy, thrill, epic genre movies. I hate films with romantic, horror, dramatic plots and it might be the cause why I’ve not yet watched Titanic, the most successful film in movie history. I despise women characters in movies regardless of their acts and roles and avoid those flicks where they have lead or more important roles if possible. I watch movie not for drama but for some real adventures and actions cos I think, drama is all fake and that just can’t attract me no matter how well the actors act. I know, adventures and actions are also fake and they are heavily relied on CGI these days, but at least they provide me some real thrills and excitements. I hate reading fiction but love them on movies. I also love Indiana Jones movies. Michael Bay’s large-budgeted action flicks always fascinate me.


No matter how well Avatar, Up In The Air etc. are doing their business, But I think I consider District 9, directed by rookie Neil Blomkamp, the BEST MOVIE OF 2009 from my side. Though, District 9 is not listed anywhere among the top films of gone year, I think it deserves a great appreciation to a great extent. This sci-fi doesn’t only depict the strange insect-like aliens and their weird slum but also is there a sad story of emotional wrench of a fellow Wikus. I loved this movie so much that I think I’ve watched it for more than 4 times and downloaded several DVD ripped copies of it. Some critics tried to ridicule it calling it a ”documentary”, whereas most of the critics reacted positively. I remember a critic saying, ”Blomkamp has shown, aliens are not only made of steel or unknown metal and they always don’t hold superpower. They could be far less developed than humans.”

Moreover, District 9 tells more about wrench and suffering of a man than of alien affairs; a rare sci-fi to keep human emotion in centre.

हे राम

  हे राम

I Became So Numb

Been so restive, distracted, confused and anxious and feeling so dumb more these days. Her memories was getting worse as I’d not meet her for long time, thanks to her arrival last night that helped me calm a little. Her arrival kind of startled me but I found myself since then slightly unusual and I did reply her so tersely that I now feel bad. Her sudden intrusion kind of addled me though I actually was waiting for her as ever. I got so much excited and addled that I just could not act in expected way. I regret for being so terse and concise with her last night. I even didn’t (couldn’t) answer some of her queries. I’m feeling so bad now. Don’t know why the feeling I hold for her doesn’t let me act in usual way…

I know, my approaches are rather visceral. And it might be the cause I’ve been so much onto her. I feel and wonder, why the feelings is so strong??!!

She wished me Happy New Year first!!! Yesss, I was the first person she wished (on her own behalf) in the eve of English New Year 2010 and I feel so good and special. Unreasonable doubts I previously had upon her is slowly petering out.

I lay on her my best wishes for her peace, prosperity, good-health and bright future in the eve of English Happy New Year 2010.

Happy New Year, Ni !!!