I’m Destined For Worst

They went to Dinesh dai’s engagement party. But I didn’t.

I snubbed my bro and his great ceremony.

Yesterday, Magh 24, Dinesh dai was going to engaged to a girl currently working in Kathmandu. He, dad and several other relatives left for Kathmandu early in the morning while I preferred to not go. But…I didn’t snub my beloved bro. I didn’t slight one of his life’s most important days. I wanted to go, I wanted to be a part of the great moments. I wanted to overtake the tearful moments I went through in last minutes of my Mira didi’s wedding by enjoying every single second since the talk of his marriage went on. But…Something is fettering me. I felt fettered more in yesterday morning and I expressed my acute unableness to be a part of the ceremony. I didn’t give in to their insist. This way, I snubbed my beloved ones and it is really not good. I know, I was the most expected guest (only after Dinesh dai himself and dad!) and my absence surely did leave a void in the party.

Dinesh dai was way too furious over my decision. So were my parents.

Dad called me from Kathmandu for several times and expressed his unhappiness. Dinesh dai is not responding my call. Later, I felt bad. I kind of felt guilt for snubbing what was one of the most special moments of my bro’s life.

This hellish life doesn’t let me go free. I want to fly in the sky but can’t get out of this shackles of self-hatred, disrespect and humiliation caused by lack of confidence and ‘inferiority complex’. My misanthropic approach could also be a cause. I neither could stave off these adversaries nor could manage subsisting in accepted way of living. I don’t know if I’m being avenged and paying the price of what I did in my past incarnation, if there is any such thing. I know, I gotta find a way out of this hell.

Vinaaju called me privately and asked why I didn’t attend the party. He loves me much, I know. He told my absence left a void in the ceremony.

I regret contritely for not being there with my bro. I’m sorry, Dinesh dai. Forgive me if you could. I may try to enjoy in your wedding day. Let’s see. Let’s make the day grand. Give me a chance, I may make the things up right again.

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