I’m f**ked up. I’m being f**ked up by the agony of betrayal, hatred, indignity, humiliation and all other evil things of human life. Yeah, I will perish. I’ve been so gaunt and emaciated, thanks in the whole to the apocalypse. Although been so pale and emaciated; quite surprisingly, I’ve become indifferent to any fearsome evil to a greater degree, esp. after the apocalypse. I’m rid of any such fear (I was way too coward) I used to have for evils by now. Or say, I’ve become quite a ‘brave’ and confident over morbid things and thinkings.
But…, I’m still not fearless completely. Indeed, no human could be. You know, I fear dreams, though they are not always evil. Some even say they (dreams) are not the things to fend off. But, I fear them so much that I’ve been longing for even a single dreamless night. I fear not because they are often unpleasant, but I experience several of them and it just troubles me. Been so dogged. I’m already heck obsessed with the ordeal of the apocalypse and these sucking dreams….. uff just can’t carry this burden anymore, sometimes I go mad. I try not to ‘care’ them anymore but they keep recurring. Every night, I succumb to these fantastic experiences. Enigma of dreams has been inexplicable. Why the dreams have to be uncanny, weird and enigmatic?!
I sometimes think, If they weren’t fantastic, I wouldn’t get bothered experiencing them!
Had visited a local psychologist (He was quite novice, I must say) for counselling some months ago. He proved to be no help. He only suggested me to not let too many thoughts roam my psyche. In a nutshell, he advised me to hollow out my mind. He was being irrational. I quickly rejected his idea. It’s been long since then, but I’m yet to encounter with a real solution. Should I visit a good psychologist or psychiatrist again?! Oh! heck, I’m against taking medicine for it. May be, a psychoanalyst could be a great help but where to find them? Not here in Pokhara.
I’m so much hacked off with these fantastic sh*ts that I wonder (oftentimes) how it would be to have a single night without them.