Yeah, I want to cleave my odious skull in twain with a machete so I could rid myself of the agony and the deluge of f**king dreams.
People long for dreams but I fear them, I already wrote in previous entry. Dreams have long been a scourge to me. Although, I sleep not more than 5 hours a day, these fantastic and enigmatic phenomenon don’t spare me as if I sleep all night/day-long with them. How to be rid of them? If its not possible, How to make them friendly?! I’m so desperate. Its been days, I’m eating very little. No desire for food at all. Been so listless and lethargic. I rarely went out. Its not that I’m ill. But its the same torment and trouble I’ve been reeling under since the apocalypse.
Dec. 15, 2008 and onwards: I endured more than a year of torment and agony at the hands of the tragedy, leaving my own self ‘tortured’ to the worst. The pain caused by the apocalypse is too worse to live with and also not enough to make me die, for I’m bound to my love, parents, my own morale and professions. Why I didn’t kill myself soon after the tragedy, I think I’ve already described in my previous entries. But something is more than haunting, why I was never told before (by anyone) that I was too bad to be with my love?!
Man lives with a hope till his last breath.
Exams for 2010 fall are slated from April 15. I’ve some papers left from last two semesters thanks again in the whole to the apocalypse. Otherwise, I never failed any exam in earlier years. My previously envisioned plan of admitting to a college in Kathmandu for Master’s degree on Arts met a disastrous fate. I sometimes worry I would never pass those papers as I’m so much troubled and obsessed that I just can’t concentrate on study.
I talked about moving Kathmandu for a job, that’s also deferred cos of exam schedule’s nearing. What I’d thought and what I’ve become now, It’s completely out of my sense and that’s why, not believing I call it ‘Dream’. Did the destiny write bad on my forehead on the sixth day of my birth as it is believed in our Hindu mythology?! ……..I see no brighter future in horizon. I’m envy of other people. They’re much more beautiful. They’re cool. They always stay happy and bubbly. They always seem to be in peace. But me?! I’m being shrunk within. The unrest within me is slowly bringing me to the tombstone, or say crematorium.
Nabin (he studies in PCM, an opulent college of management) has bought a motorcycle and had invited me along with his some friends for a treat. I denied first but later gave in to his insists and we convened at a newly-opened restaurant (what’s it name?! heck I forgot) in Mahendrapool and helped ourselves with some eating.
My bro is on convalescence now.