Monthly Archives: April 2010

Sensual Obsession

You know what,  मेरो दबित असीम यौनेच्छा  is the most searched (read too?) entry of my diary. People often search ”तरुनीहरु”, ”तिघ्रा” etc. and also sometimes ”यौन ईच्छा/यौनेच्छा” and the search engines display the entry at the forefront of the first page of their search result. It’s funny that those words are often searched and the entry is a forerunner for the query. It’s funny. The entry has been a reflection of people’s sensual obsession.

No one can dispute the fact that women are omnipotent. They hold total power at least over men.

I wrote that entry years ago, expressing my dormant libidinous feelings in quite an innocent and humorous way. Some liked my plainness while others including she, disapproved. At that time, our relationship was flourishing and I was excited, inspired and happier than ever.

What about now? I’m all but destroyed. The ‘injustice’ I was compelled to live with just sometimes drives me mad and I think of revolting against it. Sky never turned blue again after the apocalypse. It remained horrifyingly dark. However, till date, I’ve not given up the hope of seeing it drenched in blue again which I think could help resurrect within me a ray of hope. I know not but I think it might look better in blue than in black.


Man, It Was Just Worst

I can’t believe it. It was so horrendous. It was the worst night I’ve ever been through. I know, I’m getting worse both physically and mentally too. This screwed up life brings me neither a death nor a sane living. I’m stuck in-between these two sides and it’s like being in netherworld of the hell and I’m barely spending moments.

Yesterday night, I was as always late to retire. I had just lain on the bed and had not even fallen asleep as I felt as though I was being strangled to death. Groaning, I tried in vain to escape the shackles but couldn’t even budge. I was well aware of the situation. I was groaning and also trying to escape the shackles but to no avail. Finally, I somehow freed myself quivering. But I felt no fear. I’ve been inured to this worst as it’s been happening on me at times (very rarely but after the apocalypse everything has gotten worse). Yeah, I felt no fear. I even wished to keep being strangled. I needed no light. I loved the perennial dark.

In a series of nightmares at that same night, grisly scenes shocked me and I experienced a cruelty from very near. Actually, I saw I was in America with my family (also were uncle and his family). And, suddenly near our apartment, violence erupts. Actually, they seemed to be that of Ninjas: wielding daggers, knives, swords and machetes. People were being decapitated. Daggers were being thrown at people. Road, trees, electric polls, walls and houses were stained with fresh blood. People were being hacked to death. They were being impaled with knives with blood spurting out. I, consumed by the horror and rooted to the spot, keep watching the bloodbath through a window. Finally, my numbness gets over and feeling no fear, I come out to face off the violence. Why would I be spared? I soon become a target of that machete-wielding mob. I was empty-handed. Later, feeling fear for life, I rush towards the top of an abandoned container. One of the hooligans comes approaching me. I was hapless and helpless. I couldn’t jump off the container nor could have dueled with the murderer. I was only a few seconds away to be killed at the hands of those blood suckers. But…….I suddenly woke out of the nightmare, gasping. Yes, gasping. I could not sleep for hours thereafter. Lit the light and tried flipping through some books.

The deadliest night was not yet over. It was contemplating another nightmare to inflict upon me. Morning was still hours away.

I slept again and this time I came to witness a gross cruelty over an innocent animal. Actually, it’s a bison, which is found only in America. I don’t know what the place was where the cruelty took place. Actually, a game bison was being pounded on it’s head by a bunch of people to feast on it as a large vat was being heated nearby. The animal keeps wailing. It’s such a painful sight. Thinking it’s dead, they then prepare a bonfire and put the bison on it. Fire was raging and people were circled around the bonfire chattering. I was watching mutely all that. I don’t know where I was and whether I was noticed. The fire quickly engulfs the bison and I feel sort of relief because the game animal was finally over the suffering. But……………..oh my, the bison moved! I can’t believe it. It moved and groaned from within the flames. Yes, it did. You believe? The animal was all red like embers because of being burnt and suddenly moves within the flames and wails. But, there’s no one to rescue it. No one. I so get overwhelmed. Yes, it was such an indescribable agonizing sight. I don’t know what those suckers did and whether the animal got perished in the flames but I then suddenly woke up.

This time, I was way more distressed. I’m still so consumed with the cruelty inflicted upon that poor critter. Though, it was just a dream, the experience it brought is real. I wish I were omnipotent almighty god (if ever is there any such thing) and gave that animal a new, happy life and exempted it from all the sufferings. I know not why I’ve been trailed by these hellishly painful dreams. It hurts way too much. I want to get over of it. I want to be heartless. I want to be callous. I want to not feel any empathy for anything and one else. It only disturbs me from inside.

That bison incident was the worst above all. Animals are always subjected to human torture and exploitation which must be stopped. Man, wake up! You’re supposed to live on your own and you’re capable too to fend for yourself. You really need not live upon other poor critters’ lives. You can’t make your life better while ruining others’. It’s unethical and against the principles of your own humanity. It’s inhumane. It’s shameless. Man, it’s time to be a real human. Live and let them live. That’s what the humanity is for.

Picture of the Day

Chloe Moretz, 13 years-old ”Hit-Girl” in superhero movie Kick-Ass. The movie was released last week and since even months before it’s release, this foul-mouthed, purple-wigged preteen has been in the limelight. Search engines are flooded with queries about her.

Let’s wait for Kick-Ass until at least it becomes available in R5 or final DVD Rip (I can’t be bothered with Cam & TS)

This young character with such wacky outfit and manner (it’s R-rated!) is indeed worth to give a look at. I loved sharing it.

                   (Picture taken  from

If Dream Comes True…

Last night, though I had slept late as ever, I think at around 2:30 a.m.; she came to my dream!

It’s not new, though. She often comes to my dreams. But this time, it was quite a pleasant and wackiest one. We’re in a fair, roaming and strolling around together with hand in hand! You know, it was really good. It was just great. I’m still laden with the pleasant memories of that night. She’s with me, right with me. And, we’re savouring the rare moments of the tryst!

Love transforms into devotion once it outdoes itself.

I wonder, if ever dreams come true…

How’s She?

It’s been long that I’ve not seen her. Hope, she’s doing better.

Why I Didn’t Sleep With Any Woman?

In the present context, where traditional norms and values are petering out and infidelity, alcoholism and promiscuity etc. are no longer considered social stigma, I may sound with this entry’s title way old-fashioned or seem more than just ridiculous.

But I don’t care. I know, I just can’t give up, even in the midst of the worst, the creed and morality I’ve been taught, trained and expected to live in and with for a hedonistic life.

I’m not being racist or chauvinist here nor do I ever advocate any kind of discrimination, segregation or alienation regarding castes. It’s indeed morally wrong to champion such ideas. But, we also can’t disregard the ground of these long practiced aspects of human race. Racial and discrimination regarding castes have long been practiced not only in our Hinduism but also all over the world in other communities, religions. It’s actually in evolutionary way, old ideas and values are superseded by new ones. Even a successful revolution can never alter these rooted traditions within a day or two. It takes hundreds of years or even more to completely weed out the old ideas.

I’m from a Brahman family, the highest in Hinduism caste system. In the environment, where untouchablity is still rampant and Brahmins are still considered superior, would it be my unreasonable conceit and chauvinism  if I boast my caste?  I think not. In a time, when the movements for social, religious, cultural, political recognition and liberation for so called downtrodden, Dalits and ethnic communities are being sprouted and Brahmans and other ‘high ranking’ castes are often attacked (gravely criticized), I don’t think it would be my stupidity to boast and champion my caste. These so called lower castes and downtrodden were never subjected to Brahmans’ oppression, they rather themselves gave in to their supremacy on their own.  

I mean, I believe in Brahman supremacy until so called lower castes and downtrodden are educated and capable to a point of responsibility and capability.

In our Brahman tradition, as in other few Hindu communities, premarital sex, alcohol and promiscuity are regarded as  taboos and are never condoned. Only the conjugal sex is accepted. This is one of the fixed sets of strict rules of the creed of our Brahman society. But, who’s there to always follow the rules? These sets of rules are being abandoned in favour of more hedonistic living.

But this is not my case.

I know, I’m not following the ethics of our Brahman community wholly. I can’t, given the changed context. And also, I’m not leading any sort of ascetic, austere, spartan or monastic life. I’m a man trapped deep into the attraction of this materialistic world. How could I live such a severe spartan life? But if, those 3 rules i.e. no premarital sex, no booze, no promiscuity are to be taken as basis of judgment of one’s purity, I know I easily pass through it. I don’t say I’m the salt of the earth, but at least in these criteria, I can never be questioned.

I’m not into those taboos not because I’m fettered by the creed, but because I myself don’t condone them. My own conviction is far more precious to me than the fixed sets of rules imposed upon me, us.

They say, sex is a biological need and it can’t be ward off. But, not in my case. Yeah, sex has been a crucial factor both in social and individual’s life and their ideas and approaches. I’m chaste and already in my late 20s and people might wonder how I’ve been repressing my libidinous thirst till date. I know being chaste (virgin) is no longer a matter of  purity, ‘pride’ and self-satisfaction. Most people lose their chastity in their early teen age. They may find me ludicrous for being chaste even in this adult stage. I can’t help but holding disregard to their hedonistic interpretation of life.

It’s not that I’m ”committed’ to being chaste, but it’s about the creed and conviction that I live with.  

Sex is not that far, it’s only a few doors away if I’m to break apart the web of my convictions and set myself free into the world of debauchery. Beyond my creed, there is only bad i.e. debauchery, immorality etc.

Okay let’s keep my principles aside: I lived nearly half of my life without them (sex, booze, smoking, drugs, infidelity, promiscuity etc.) and I could live remaining life also without them!

Seemingly, those debauched and hedonistic lives might have sucked much of enjoyment out of their lives; but that’s for only a while.  Spiritual satisfaction is far more impacting and everlasting than the material one. My controlled manner and behaviour gives me that spiritual pleasure that helps me live with sort of complacency.

My World & The Most Beautiful Woman

Today is Mother’s Day. Mother’s divine, most revered, beloved and sacred. I don’t think I need to write more about her. Actually, she can’t be described in any words. My mother is my world. She’s my everything. Lots of love, reverence and devotion to my beloved mother, the only person I love most over anyone.  I love you mom. You’re my world. I can’t even think without you.

Obviously, the one you love is the most beautiful person, for you, in the world. Here, I’m talking about women I love. Implicitly, I love my mom the most and she’s plainly the most beautiful woman. But, given her divine and revered figure, I’m not bringing her here to my discussion. So, she’s excluded.

Beside mom, my sister (Mira) was the only woman I loved until she got married and started her conjugal life. And obviously, she took the crown of the most beautiful woman ever in my mind. I was in adolescence and obviously she was the second one (first is mother!) to inspire my feelings for females. But, as she left us for her husband’s home after marriage, I felt something my own was taken away from me. Yes, she left us for someone else and I was left crying. It might be one of the very rare occasions I’ve collapsed in tears.

She’s no longer the most beautiful woman.

Then who else now?!

Years after my sister left us for her married life, I came to love a girl (love is deliberately done, it never happens itself) who I’ve been talking about in my blog. She’s the first woman ever I love outside my family. I do love her so I find her beautiful, actually stunningly beautiful. The crown of the most beautiful woman ever is thus now bestowed upon her. She’s ravishingly gorgeous for me, but actually she might not be so for others. It’s love that shapes one’s thoughts. You know what she’s become to me: I love her only behind my mom.

I know, it’s my feelings (love) which ‘occasions’ her to appear beautiful.