Being Killed Alive

I can’t put in words the pain the apocalypse brought me. The coldest night of 15th December, 2008 was so tragic and apocalyptic that it saw all of my dreams, aspirations and wills die forever. I was virtually left living dead. It’s so agonizing that, I, in later days, transcended any extreme mental abnormalities. In later months, I tried rising from the ashes, but couldn’t. Been so hapless and helpless.

Why I was not killed the very night, I wonder in retrospect about the night.

The only thing I want to narrate here is why I didn’t groom myself for the tryst. Actually, I always think her my very own and at that day, too, I really didn’t think I should be groomed for someone who’s my very very own. So, I didn’t go for the rendezvous suave and sophisticated. I was blind trustful to her so I was really ignorant to my looks, eventhough, I know, I was so disheveled. Why one need to be groomed and care much about their looks while they’re gonna meet their very significant one?

So I went scruffy. My hair was undone. So were beard, mustache and fingernails. I even didn’t choose the best outfit for the occasion. I was knowingly ignorant about these things.

I know, I had already grown untidy after the wedding ceremony and I just didn’t get myself tidy for the tryst, which later turned out a greatest mistake.

There’s also a thing to mention. Actually, I had been tensed for some days as she told she was being asked for a meeting by a guy. I just couldn’t stand  and chewed her out badly and had even thought about quitting the meeting. 

But, those things were only trivial ones, I think. Actually, there’s another thing that I blame for my failure.

How you react when you get something that you love most and have been longing for so long?! Surely, you can’t act normal. You can’t behave usual. You get ‘brainstormed’ in joy, extreme happiness. Moreover, she’s my love and I was in a very first tryst with her. And, It needed a lot of effort to speak to her in usual tone and I just couldn’t make it a success and she got disappointed. You know, you can’t even mutter when you find your most beloved one right in front of you in your early days of date. You become nervous. Even the bravest and confident men fall far short of their confidence in such situation. I was no exception.

Things could have been right in later meetings, but they were already obliterated. :'((

And, it’s also a culture shock for me to find myself in a new place for the meeting.

These are the things that explain why I didn’t get myself groomed, suave and confident for the rendezvous.

Let’s assume: Were she someone else and not my love, I know I wouldn’t have disappointed her. Love didn’t get me things done, it only destroyed everything. People say, love is beautiful. But, it turned out so dreadful and ugly’ to me.

……………………..

You want to speak to your loved one. But you’re denied, whereas others are allowed. Others are allowed to text them, but you’re not. Can you even imagine this situation?! I’ve been through this worst. I’m not allowed to call her, text her, whereas others are allowed to do so. This is killing me. I’m being killed alive insidiously by this jealousy. This is driving me crazy. I’m jealous and also at the same time envious of her male friends who text her, call her, speak to her at anytime. But me? Alas! I’m fettered. I’m denied. I’m not allowed. What I was and now what I’ve become, it’s far worse than just any worst nightmare. This jealousy is eating me alive and I’m being driven worse and worse.

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