I’m f**ked up. I’m being f**ked up by the agony of betrayal, hatred, indignity, humiliation and all other evil things of human life. Yeah, I will perish. I’ve been so gaunt and emaciated, thanks in the whole to the apocalypse. Although been so pale and emaciated; quite surprisingly, I’ve become indifferent to any fearsome evil to a greater degree, esp. after the apocalypse. I’m rid of any such fear (I was way too coward) I used to have for evils by now. Or say, I’ve become quite a ‘brave’ and confident over morbid things and thinkings.
But…, I’m still not fearless completely. Indeed, no human could be. You know, I fear dreams, though they are not always evil. Some even say they (dreams) are not the things to fend off. But, I fear them so much that I’ve been longing for even a single dreamless night. I fear not because they are often unpleasant, but I experience several of them and it just troubles me. Been so dogged. I’m already heck obsessed with the ordeal of the apocalypse and these sucking dreams….. uff just can’t carry this burden anymore, sometimes I go mad. I try not to ‘care’ them anymore but they keep recurring. Every night, I succumb to these fantastic experiences. Enigma of dreams has been inexplicable. Why the dreams have to be uncanny, weird and enigmatic?!
I sometimes think, If they weren’t fantastic, I wouldn’t get bothered experiencing them!
Had visited a local psychologist (He was quite novice, I must say) for counselling some months ago. He proved to be no help. He only suggested me to not let too many thoughts roam my psyche. In a nutshell, he advised me to hollow out my mind. He was being irrational. I quickly rejected his idea. It’s been long since then, but I’m yet to encounter with a real solution. Should I visit a good psychologist or psychiatrist again?! Oh! heck, I’m against taking medicine for it. May be, a psychoanalyst could be a great help but where to find them? Not here in Pokhara.
I’m so much hacked off with these fantastic sh*ts that I wonder (oftentimes) how it would be to have a single night without them.
I’ve contracted goddamn cold since yesterday evening and today, it’s just getting worse. You know, I miss her even more when I fall sick. The pain was immense that I kept writhing on bed throughout the day, and the day was no less tiresome and longer than a whole week! High fever with cold really laid me down. I’ve been so listless and lethargic and didn’t take meal this evening. I’m so much prone to common cold and flu but this time, I’m infected after months and common cold just goes worse when its about me.
A feline shape appears right in front of me at some metres’ distance. Dark or daylight, I know not. Where I was, in jungle or one of allies? No memory. The shape of human size was not crawling but standing like a human. It’s eyes were glimmering in the horrific dark backdrop of its black fur. I was still; like numb. Suddenly, the figure convulses whereas I am still standing still. It starts approaching me slowly. Terror reigns over me. Could I confront with the figure? Even if I could, alas! I was numb. But before almost devoured by the figure; I make a squeak and…….I wake up from a deadliest nightmare.
Dunno, how I got to see such deadly nightmare. I am still badly terrified the way that feline creature stared at me, its horrific yellow eyes were glimmering so fiercely. Now I figure out it must have been a werecat. But werecat in dreams? What it signs for? I was quite determined that no horror things on the earth could scare me now for I was too much obsessed with morbidity that I was gradually being rid of any kind of horrors. But dunno; why I scared to the bone today. I’m trembling NOW although it happened just in dream some minutes ago. This twilight, I had slept empty bowl, early, as early as 7:30pm. After the incident, I opened my workstation and now writing here: my diary, my closest friend.
I’m having such nightmares often these days after long time. Just yesterday night; there was another terrible as well as weirdest nightmare : I was a mere impotent witness of a tragedy where a girl (of 3/4) trips into the gorge of Seti when passing through the gorge via a log and eventually she perished within its dark. Later I was arrested and convicted. Dunno; Why I have got to go through such unpleasant and enigmatic experiences.
I had a nightmare(it’s a reality, not nightmare only) just moments ago. Actually, I heard a low growling sound of a cat somewhere (I was sleeping but was little
bit aware of surroundings, too) and suddenly I felt as if I was being
suppressed/gagged by someone/thing. I felt as if someone is applying his
whole force to strangle me, to press my throat. I know, I
was crying loudly… in a very disgusting and also painful sound. I think no one heard me as the windows and door were closed and there was a
heavy rainfall outside and thundering, too. I tried my best to escape
myself from that suppression and kept fighting for some 15 seconds. I know my shriek was so much painful and fierce that if anyone had
heard it they would surely have stopped their breathing for some
seconds. I’m still sweating (and shivering too). Soon after that, I opened the computer and now writing.
Is this a mental disorder? I’ve been suffering it for some
years…nearly 6 years. The first of such incidents occurred some 6
years ago, when we were rejoicing my sister’s wedding ceremony. Later, I went through some medical tests and I even went to
Jhaakris/Shamans. But neither of them did help me recover, though they
boosted my confidence somewhat up. I know, I am really timid. I get easily scared
at night. And, when being alone, lots of thoughts appears in my
imagination. I often imagine a ghostly figure of something like
ghosts/apparitions standing right in front of me and staring at me to
devour me up. Why do I imagine such nuisances when being alone esp. in
night? I’ve tried my best to avoid all these disorders and have become
successful a bit too. Should I again start doing
medications? or do I need to visit a shaman regularly? People
say, you need to be more confident and powerful from your inside/heart to kill all these nuisances and fears.