OK, requited love also is not enough to sustain a long-term relationship.
Unrequited love is just worse. Actually the worst. Yeah, I have been through this nightmare. And, the pain of such unrequited love is, no exaggeration, dead unfathomable.
While scavenging the forgiven past within this blog some days ago, I couldn’t help myself from being overcome with the utter pain and devastation expressed in those old entries by a poor bloke, yes that’s me. I nearly cried. Actually, everyone will, at the depiction of such dead sadness.
Things are much better now. Love is not unrequited anymore. But, the past memories don’t easily trail off, do they? Once you’re chased after, you can’t keep yourself from not being haunted thereafter no matter where/how you are!
I was returning home from somewhere (I can’t remember now). As I approached my home, near the backyard, not more than 50 metres from home, I found an elderly neighbour in a horrifying look. His head was rolling and bouncing on the ground and it was staring at me with a slight tinge of ‘cold’ grin. The sight instantly scared the living daylights out of me (Oh my god, I still feel the chill while writing this). I know not whether I cried or couldn’t but I know I then felt fettered. I was like being strangled, gagged. Felt immense pain. I only could see that elderly man’s (who I call grandfather and we’re close neighbors) bouncing head and was only getting more numb.
I was all but frozen in pain. Limbs were still. And, suddenly, I don’t know how I came to mutter a religious prayer: ”ओम् नम: शिवाय”. The more times I muttered the prayer, the less I felt the pain. I found my pain lessened every time I murmured it. And, after approx. 10 times of the grunt, I found myself free of the pain and that demonic skull. I then made a shriek. And, my mother came. That demonic skull was now disappeared and I found that elderly man standing at some metres’ distance, looking spooky.
I was still shuddering, though. The fear had not yet damped down.
I was through this horrific dream just some days ago. And, I was really thinking to write down the experience as it was so damn weird. Wasn’t it?
How I came to mutter that line and how it reduced my pain and eventually rescued me from the worst, it all was so damn weird even though it was ‘just a dream’. I’m still wondering what was all that for? Did it bode for something?
Or, it was a godly ‘warning’?
I have become quite an atheist these days. Until some years ago, I was more an agnostic than atheist but as I grew older, with time, faith over religion and Gods gradually melted away. It was usual, too. I became more materialist. I long ago stopped visiting temples, taking part in religious celebrations and worshiping gods.
But this above narrated dreamy phenomenon has brought me some bizarre feelings which I feel I just can’t always be negligent to. Was I wrong to pass the God and godly things over? I remember Lord Ram but more as a moral figure, not actually as god. Did that dream warn me to not sweep aside the spiritual belief? Was I reminded to believe on diving things with that eerie dream? If my disbelief on God is the reason of the series of spooky dreams I’m being through…
I’m just feeling weird after that night. The power of that line (ओम् नम: शिवाय) that ‘healed’ me, it was all so damn freakish.
She was the first to wish me happy birthday this time, too.
I born this day circa mid ’80s. With usual highs and lows in life, I’ve
come to celebrate Bhadra 11 once again. Life, many take it for granted
while few others feel owed to it. And, so on…
As I look back
while seesawing between hope and despair, I find my later years as being
miserable. But, I don’t think I could have lived them in better way.
With only little qualms for my deeds, I’m just living life for the sake
of living. My apparent complacency (with life) is nothing but a
compromise because I’ve no other way yet.
I hate visiting temples and worshiping gods. I know, I utter ‘Hey Ram (हे ! राम)‘
when being in despair, pain, not because he’s god but I revere Ram as a good
person, a great king, a moral figure. Actually, you can call me a
materialist, an atheist, now. Marxist ideas are ingrained in me since my
childhood, thanks to all those communist readings and the family
environment. It’s another part of my life that, in later years, I became
monarchist, too. Agnostic, I’m no longer.
Famous Bindhyawasini Temple is only a few hundreds yards away. But, I hardly visit there.
morning was different, though. After a long time, I paid a visit to
Pokhara’s most worshiped goddess this morning with my mother. Were it
not for my birthday occasion, I would not have made there!
Had a brief eat out with my bro, friends later in the afternoon and also exhausting motorcycle rides during an excursion. It was sort of a ‘treat’ I threw for them on my birthday. I’m tired out.
Does she love me, too, like I do her?
I would have died in elation! Just going fantastic…
They went to Dinesh dai’s engagement party. But I didn’t.
I snubbed my bro and his great ceremony.
Yesterday, Magh 24, Dinesh dai was going to engaged to a girl currently working in Kathmandu. He, dad and several other relatives left for Kathmandu early in the morning while I preferred to not go. But…I didn’t snub my beloved bro. I didn’t slight one of his life’s most important days. I wanted to go, I wanted to be a part of the great moments. I wanted to overtake the tearful moments I went through in last minutes of my Mira didi’s wedding by enjoying every single second since the talk of his marriage went on. But…Something is fettering me. I felt fettered more in yesterday morning and I expressed my acute unableness to be a part of the ceremony. I didn’t give in to their insist. This way, I snubbed my beloved ones and it is really not good. I know, I was the most expected guest (only after Dinesh dai himself and dad!) and my absence surely did leave a void in the party.
Dinesh dai was way too furious over my decision. So were my parents.
Dad called me from Kathmandu for several times and expressed his unhappiness. Dinesh dai is not responding my call. Later, I felt bad. I kind of felt guilt for snubbing what was one of the most special moments of my bro’s life.
This hellish life doesn’t let me go free. I want to fly in the sky but can’t get out of this shackles of self-hatred, disrespect and humiliation caused by lack of confidence and ‘inferiority complex’. My misanthropic approach could also be a cause. I neither could stave off these adversaries nor could manage subsisting in accepted way of living. I don’t know if I’m being avenged and paying the price of what I did in my past incarnation, if there is any such thing. I know, I gotta find a way out of this hell.
Vinaaju called me privately and asked why I didn’t attend the party. He loves me much, I know. He told my absence left a void in the ceremony.
I regret contritely for not being there with my bro. I’m sorry, Dinesh dai. Forgive me if you could. I may try to enjoy in your wedding day. Let’s see. Let’s make the day grand. Give me a chance, I may make the things up right again.
2012 is going to be disastrous? Will it really witness a doomsday as it is being predicted? Mayan calender is going to end that year. I’m yet to watch ‘2012’, a Hollywood blockbuster released on 13th November but Joshua Keating’s analysis The End Of The World (on foreignpolicy.com) is great to go through. What I love most about his analysis is we ourselves are making the world more insecure and prone to the apocalypse every next day. Climate change, more organized terrorism, environmental pollutions etc. no doubt could be proved lethal to entire mankind which eventually bring a real apocalypse. Moreover, every things and beings under the sun must end for something new to happen; Marxist view.
My Blue Mate
Before I decided on Yamaha Gladiator SS, some were suggesting me to buy Fz or R15, both from Yamaha. I don’t like Fz and R15 was more expensive. So, I ‘compromised’ on blue Gladiator SS. And, Yamaha has always been my fave for two-wheeler.
A Great Job
She has decided to donate her eyes posthumously. It’s really great. She’s really taken a great initiative towards social service and welfare. My affection (along with respect) to her is deepening further with her latest foray into this social work. Ni, whatever you think as to me, you’re always very very special to me and I know you’ve been my sole inspiration. Now, I’m even more proud of you. Hail You!!!
I’ve Got My Money, Let’s Spend It Up!
Dad wanted to take a photo of us from a good cameraman. He took us to Mahendrapool and we spent thousands for a framed portrait. Besides this, we spent considerable amount of money for other shopping. Now, I think that we ‘spent’ money, not used. And, It was not really wise.
Today, Bhadra 11 (Aug 27) : My birthday. I born in around the summer of 1984. No wonder, I would spend this day as just another day of my humdrum and troubled life.
SHE has wished me a Happy Birthday!!! It’s overwhelming!
Here, I remember an excerpt from her email she sent on Dec. 24, 2008 after the aftermath of Dec. 15 :
”…be in touch
if u really hate me now also … fine
ma birthday ko ek din chahi message gari dinchu
aru bela we ll be in touch…”