:'((

*Crying*. Mutilate my heart someone please. Can’t carry this burden anymore. Just want to rid myself of this heart. Mutilate it and make me free of it, I would love it hacked into pieces , I would love when it finally stops beating, I would love when it bleeds into a pool so I would drink some out of it. I’m gonna create an unprecedented violence. I would love the gore and the grisly scene and would bathe in my own blood till I change into a demon. Yeah, I want to be a demon so I wouldn’t feel anything. Nothing/one would hurt me then. I want to be indifferent to any feelings which tramples on the heart, which torments the mind. I want to be empty..empty…empty…..there would left nothing in me, not even my own body. I hate this hideous looks, my blood is cussed and its not red but is abominably dark so people find me unpleasant, disgusting. I want to rid myself of this curse, I want to make myself rid of my own body, flesh, skeleton… Don’t wanna live with this unpleasant looks and torturing heart. Want to get a new life with new looks but with no heart. Or else, God, bring upon me a death, I would embrace it happily with no groan. Death is far better than this excruciating hell.

I want peace. God, give it to me. Make me empty from inside. I want peace, hey anyone give me, I want it. Someone give me peace so I could sleep well for some hours. Why I’m being stripped of all those things I die for?! I want peace, I’ve long been longing for a good sleep of mere some hours, free of fantastic phenomenon (dreams). God, give me a peace or else mutilate my heart. I can’t carry the burden of this anymore…I would only be a skeleton if you don’t exempt me from this curse and it’s worse than the death to live with just a frame of skeleton. I want peace..peace…peace….Hey anyone give me…*tears rolling down the cheeks* This pain is too much, God, free me from this pain…I plead…I want peace.

God, you give others a hope to live with in their life, but you only gave me pains, despair and sufferings. Why?! Why you only inflict me with never-ending trials and tribulations?! Why you enjoy seeing me writhing in pain?! You’re not God. Get off from here. You’re not the one who takes care of their creations. You only leave one of your creations suffered in agony, collapsing in tears and that poor wretch is me. It’s me, you mute God. Where are you?! Where you hiding?! Come out and face me and get ready for a showdown. You mute coward. You only gave me pain, not ever happiness. *almost crying* God, you’re fake. You never exist. I was just deluded. You liar. Fuck off from here. *still with tears* Someone give me peace. I want it. I can spend hundreds of thousands to buy it if it is found only in markets. But I need it. I need peace. I want to mutilate my heart, that gave me nothing other than myriad of pains. I want peace. Please, I can buy it if I’ve to buy.

God, I’m so broken. I’m so hurt. I’m so broken. You can’t help. You only enjoy moaning me in pain. You callous.

Motorcycle Vs. Girls

People have got a thing about motorcycles. Subcultures Rocker, Mod, Greaser, Hells-Angels etc. were primarily based on the two-wheelers, their style, usage, along with other fashion accessories. Motorcycle was still holding sway over the western demographics esp. youths until as late as late 1970s before being bested by cars. However, nearly after half a century of their obsolescence among the whites, this two-wheeled locomotive still holds profound charisma and beauty among we easterners (not necessarily youths only). It’s well-surmised that,  for next some decades to come, motorcycle will keep obsessing people in poorer parts of the world, like ours, Africa, Latin America etc. because automobiles are still far away from our reach.

Several motorcyclists’ clubs were formed circa ’50s and ’60s in the West, in the UK. Those who rode motorcycles with leather jacket, Levi’s jeans, Dr. Martin shoes, loutish manner and scruffy looks were termed as Rocker and later this became an influential subculture. Mods also developed their own culture of fashion with scooters. Those from rural areas and the country were the member of Rocker, where as affluent and suave city youths were Mods. Likewise, Greasers and other various subcultures were mushroomed across the west. I came to ‘experience’ a little of Greaser fashion in 2008 Indiana Jones movie.

This way, motorcycle had been an influential means for social shake-ups in the West. Then, how about our Nepal?! Millions are living in acute penury, millions of population can’t even afford a bike, let alone the motorcycle. However, motorcycle nonetheless has become a must-have ‘property’ for urban demographics. It’s long been a tradition and also a thing of economical status to have at least a motorcycle in a household. Disregard of the age boundaries, from teenagers to sexagenarians, people are enjoying the ride of the two-wheeler.

Wait, I’m not digressing from the topic.

I fear, readers of this entry could resent me for being slightly a misogynist and championing the misogynistic ideas.

Yeah, youths (males) in Nepal and motorcycle have ‘inseparable’ bond. Yeah, kind of. But, hey, they remain incomplete if we exclude girls!

I think, witnessing current youth trends about love, fashion, sex; neither motorcycle nor girls alone could complete a fashion-starved youth. I mean they supplement each other to complete a guy. Actually, there has long been a ‘competition’ between motorcycle and girls as to who will take over the heart of a youth. What you think, which one an average guy would go for? A motorcycle or girl? If it’s not possible to get both of them, then I think, the guy would choose motorcycle. Both are beautiful. But have to choose one. What a dilemma!…….But, motorcycle wins over girls. Those who have had both are luckier. It’s often talked (joked) among hedonistic louts that once you’ve got a motorcycle, leave it up to your motorcycle, which then itself finds you a girl; you really needn’t look for, labor for!!! So foolish idea. But, sometimes, I also muse whether it makes any sense. What an average Nepali youth longs for, dreams for?! A two-wheeler and a beautiful girlfriend, then his world (or say, ‘real life’) starts from there… I never felt a need of a girl in my life until a couple of years ago. And, when felt, I failed to make anyone mine. Those louts could think my ‘real life’ has not yet commenced, given the empty pillion seat of my motorcycle. Stupid hedonists.

                                        (Picture from computer montage: Yamaha Gladiator and girls)

Whatever the things are; a two-wheeler, a good job and a loving girl are the only dreams of an average Nepali youth.

Scions put their interests on automobiles. But they are few and almost all of them are aggregated in Kathmandu. Cars sale will still not best motorcycle for decades to come. And, the trio consists of a youth, his girl and motorcycle will remain an influential fashion among youths for decades to come in our eastern world, Nepal.

Given a small number of girls using two-wheeler, I find it relevant talking about youths (males), their motorcycles and as we’ve witnessed, motorcycle has played a greater role in championing this culture. And, it’s also true, in general, that girls are often driven, influenced and impressed by the two-wheelers their male counterparts ride.

So, what you think, who’s mightier, Girls or Motorcycle?!

Remembered For Bad

Finally, there’s something bright being seen in the horizon. Yeah, Girija Prasad Koirala, the biggest political villain ever of Nepal is gone now leaving a prospect of rather a healthy political atmosphere in coming days (Let’s hope). This power-hungry cunning hawk had been the one and only cause of political instability and underdevelopment from 2046 B.S. onwards, AFAIK.  I know, I need not tally up his wrongdoings as they’re well-notorious to all us…. Now, Nepal may choose it’s own path of peace and prosperity in coming days as It has just been rid of this octogenarian burden. Despite being at helms for number of times and for almost a decade, he never heeded to people and their expectations, aspirations, plights but instead only worked for his cronies and coterie. He only helped create and spawn a new class of nouveau riche in Kathmandu, turned deaf ears to what the country had been waiting for long, i.e. peace, prosperity and development. In a nutshell, he simply ‘abused’ the democracy. Shame on this disgraced oldman.

Nepal has just liberated from this formidable hawk’s perpetual hold.

I mourn his death because a man (of national and international recognition, but disregard of whether he was ‘famous’ or ‘notorious’) has passed away. But, I really don’t think he, as a so called ‘democratic leader’ deserves my reverence. He ‘fought’ for democracy only when he thought he could exploit it. His seeming democratic approaches and moves in later years can never wash up the ‘crimes’, scandals, corruptions and blunders he has committed against the nation and people. Luckily, he filled the vacuum left by the demise of Ganeshman Singh, King Birendra, Madan Bhandari, and stasis of Krishna Prasad Bhattarai, thus making his way to be what has been described as one of the most talked political figures of all time. Because he had no parallel, he then enjoyed the ‘legacy’ of those  prominent figures (but in a quite spoiled way). In this case, I find him quite lucky. He has also benefited largely from King Gyanendra‘s  blunders in later years.

Given his long stay at power, he could have contributed a lot to the nation; he could have created a history in the development front but he simply didn’t. He didn’t want. And, his usual death and mourns over it can never wash away his wrongdoings.

About media, their gonzo journalism has found a ‘hot’ topic. Good for them.

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I’ve just got her messages in Yahoo!. Thank God! It helps me calm. It had been weeks she’s not on and I was just worsening. You know what, even her name and nicks swoon me with delight!

I Want To Cleave My Skull In Twain

Yeah, I want to cleave my odious skull in twain with a machete so I could rid myself of the agony and the deluge of f**king dreams.

People long for dreams but I fear them, I already wrote in previous entry. Dreams have long been a scourge to me. Although, I sleep not more than 5 hours a day, these fantastic and enigmatic phenomenon don’t spare me as if I sleep all night/day-long with them. How to be rid of them? If its not possible, How to make them friendly?! I’m so desperate. Its been days, I’m eating very little. No desire for food at all. Been so listless and lethargic. I rarely went out. Its not that I’m ill. But its the same torment and trouble I’ve been reeling under since the apocalypse.

Dec. 15, 2008 and onwards: I endured more than a year of torment and agony at the hands of the tragedy, leaving my own self ‘tortured’ to the worst. The pain caused by the apocalypse is too worse to live with and also not enough to make me die, for I’m bound to my love, parents, my own morale and professions. Why I didn’t kill myself soon after the tragedy, I think I’ve already described in my previous entries. But something is more than haunting, why I was never told before (by anyone) that I was too bad to be with my love?!

Man lives with a hope till his last breath.

Exams for 2010 fall are slated from April 15. I’ve some papers left from last two semesters thanks again in the whole to the apocalypse. Otherwise, I never failed any exam in earlier years. My previously envisioned plan of admitting to a college in Kathmandu for Master’s degree on Arts met a disastrous fate. I sometimes worry I would never pass those papers as I’m so much troubled and obsessed that I just can’t concentrate on study.

I talked about moving Kathmandu for a job, that’s also deferred cos of exam schedule’s nearing. What I’d thought and what I’ve become now, It’s completely out of my sense and that’s why, not believing I call it ‘Dream’. Did the destiny write bad on my forehead on the sixth day of my birth as it is believed in our Hindu mythology?! ……..I see no brighter future in horizon. I’m envy of other people. They’re much more beautiful. They’re cool. They always stay happy and bubbly. They always seem to be in peace. But me?! I’m being shrunk within. The unrest within me is slowly bringing me to the tombstone, or say crematorium.

——————

Nabin (he studies in PCM, an opulent college of management) has bought a motorcycle and had invited me along with his some friends for a treat. I denied first but later gave in to his insists and we convened at a newly-opened restaurant (what’s it name?! heck I forgot) in Mahendrapool and helped ourselves with some eating.

—————–

My bro is on convalescence now.

के त्यो सत्य थियो ?

के थियो, आज के भयो । सबै सपना जस्तै लाग्छ । कहींकतै कुनै कुनामा, एकान्तमा अनि आफ्नै अन्तर्मनमा पनि मैले यो विपत्तिलाई स्वीकार्न सकेको छैन, शायद म यसलाई सत्य मान्दिनँ । कसरी मानुँ ? तर ढिलोचाँडो सत्यलाई स्वीकार नगरी सुख पनि छैन र जुन दिन मैले यो विपत्तिलाई सत्य स्वीकार्नेछु त्यही दिन सबथोक समाप्त हुनेछ ।  पीडा असह्य भईराखेकै छ र म झन्झन् विक्षिप्त बन्दैछु ।

डिसेम्बर 15, 2008 को राति 9 बजेतिर ममाथि जे विपत्ति आईलाग्यो, त्यसले दिएको दु:ख र पीडा म बताउन, बुझाउन सक्दिनँ । एकदिन मर्नु नै छ भने आँफू यतिसारो पीडित भएर र अरुलाई पनि तनाव दिएर बाँच्नुभन्दा मरिजानु ननिको होईन । अन्तत: मृत्यु दु:खद होईन । रोएर बाँच्नुभन्दा रुवाएर जानु निको हो । रोएर बाँच्नेले सँधैभरि नै रुनुपर्ला तर मरेर जानेले आफ्ना आफन्तलाई केही दिन वा हप्तासम्म मात्र रुवाउने हुन् । म यस्तै सोच्छु कहिलेकाहीं ।

(केही शब्दहरु जगदीश घिमिरेको ‘अन्तर्मनको यात्रा’ बाट लिईएका हुन् ।)

Yet Another Confession of Guilt

I  was again overwhelmed with tears just minutes ago. I raved at her and today I felt immense guilt. It brought me tears. Actually, I had no intention of adding a blog entry today, but my confession to whatever I’d committed compels me to scrawl something and ask for yet another forgiveness (or say, clemency) from her.

Ni, I humbly and with humility ask you to forgive me for my sass. I’m ridden with guilts and it’s  adding more scourge to my already troubled life. Until and unless I’m pardoned, I won’t be able to lead even my troubled life with a wee bit of normalcy. I get better of me when she forgives.

I’m so sorry for whatever I did cos I only could regret now. And, this is the place where I write my life. If I were almighty god, I would exempt myself from all these wrongdoings.

Ni, my love.

A Must Read Article

Jeffrey Gettleman’s Africa’s Forever Wars at foreignpolicy.com is, I think a must-read article where the New York Times reporter has beautifully articulated some ‘behind the scene’ truths of protracted African wars. Africa has long been a ‘cursed’ and snubbed as well human habitat.

What if the world powers interfere to help end the conflicts? I loved a comment there that a wave of protest against ”neocolonalism” could gain its height and it will only hamper the ‘peace process’ (nascent though but ongoing) if a world power invades there.

Longing For a Dreamless Sleep

I’m f**ked up. I’m being f**ked up by the agony of betrayal, hatred, indignity, humiliation and all other evil things of human life. Yeah, I will perish. I’ve been so gaunt and emaciated, thanks in the whole to the apocalypse. Although been so pale and emaciated; quite surprisingly, I’ve become indifferent to any fearsome evil to a greater degree, esp. after the apocalypse. I’m rid of any such fear (I was way too coward) I used to have for evils by now. Or say, I’ve become quite a ‘brave’ and confident over morbid things and thinkings.

But…, I’m still not fearless completely. Indeed, no human could be. You know, I fear dreams, though they are not always evil. Some even say they (dreams) are not the things to fend off. But, I fear them so much that I’ve been longing for even a single dreamless night. I fear not because they are often unpleasant, but I experience several of them and it just troubles me. Been so dogged. I’m already heck obsessed with the ordeal of the apocalypse and these sucking dreams….. uff just can’t carry this burden anymore, sometimes I go mad. I try not to ‘care’ them anymore but they keep recurring. Every night, I succumb to these fantastic experiences. Enigma of dreams has been inexplicable. Why the dreams have to be uncanny, weird and enigmatic?!

I sometimes think, If they weren’t fantastic, I wouldn’t get bothered experiencing them!

Had visited a local psychologist (He was quite novice, I must say) for counselling some months ago. He proved to be no help. He only suggested me to not let too many thoughts roam my psyche. In a nutshell, he advised me to hollow out my mind. He was being irrational. I quickly rejected his idea. It’s been long since then, but I’m yet to encounter with a real solution. Should I visit a good psychologist or psychiatrist again?! Oh! heck, I’m against taking medicine for it. May be, a psychoanalyst could be a great help but where to find them? Not here in Pokhara.

I’m so much hacked off with these fantastic sh*ts that I wonder (oftentimes) how it would be to have a single night without them.

Snubbed Avatar

Avatar was overrated. Yes, It was. Why every James Cameron movie has got to be nominated for Oscars? I think, Academy Award members are obsessed with him and other some handful of filmmakers who hold sway over the Hollywood and not to mention,they disregard any criticisms of those ‘big guys’. Avatar was simply a sci-fi 3D movie relied heavily on CGI. And, We’ve already experienced much more state-of-the-art graphics (CGI?) on some classic movies decades ago (have you watched 2001: The Space Odyssey, a 1968 sci-fi?). They were far more high-tech than ‘Avatar’ in their time when there was no such technology as today’s. It was much hyped that Avatar was shoot with specially designed cameras and used the most advanced cinematography ever. Does it make ‘eligible’ for Oscars? It’s touted, Avatar took Cameron almost 13 years to finish ( It’s said, he actually had thought about making Avatar even before Titanic!). Yes, I concede, Avatar was one of much waited movies ever in film history. But, does it only make Cameron and his so called ‘opus’ right candidates for Academy Awards? What about the story/plot? A man ventures into a new world where ‘his love is waiting for him”. It’s not different in any terms from other average Hollywood ventures. Yeah, plot was formula type. Moreover, It has portrayed American hegemony (say, imperialism) in a larger and more agressive scale. America has not spared even remote peaceful planet from it’s dirty claws of imperialism and barbarism. It already all but destroyed Afghanistan, Iraq, Japan (It’s two cities), and dunno how many other will perish within America’s imperialism in coming days until it fades away to NOTHING and that’s for sure, for China is rising. In the film, It’s shown it’s bloody visage to Pandora, a planet of Na’vi in peace and harmony. America invades there and almost destroys it (but only to get routed later!). That’s it, Cameron ‘executes’ American imperialism in Avatar in a more profound way.

Poor Cameron, It seems, he is no longer in the coterie of those ‘big guys’!

Much exact to my speculation and anticipation, Avatar got snubbed in the Oscars (It lost to a low budge war drama ‘The Hurt Locker’). Actually, I was for ‘District 9’, directed by Peter Jackson’s apprentice Neil Blomkamp for Best Picture award but It bagged none. But, the way Avatar was snubbed in the Oscars proves at least a fact that sci-fi genre just can’t get along with Academy Awards no matter how much billions they rake in. Avatar faced the same fate as Star Wars, E.T. etc had faced earlier. Even hundreds of million worth of stunning CGI can never win over human emotion, this is what the history of 82 years of Academy Awards has contended. Oscars is often for low budget drama, who could dispute this?!

Let’s assume, had Avatar not been a sci-fi heavily relied on stunning CGI, Cameron would have hold sway over this year’s Academy Awards. The only fault of Avatar  was being a sci-fi.

The self-proclaimed ‘King of the World’ will learn from the ‘mistake’ of Avatar?

किन यस्तो ?

किन यस्तो ? यो संसार किन यति नरमाईलो ? हे राम । के खुशीहरु खोज्नैपर्ने हो ? के खुशीहरु खोजेर भेटिन्छ र ? यदि भेटिन्छ नै भने पनि कहाँ ? किन एउटै व्यक्ति/वस्तु पनि संसारभन्दा ठूलो र महत्वपूर्ण हुन्छ जसले सँसारले दिन नसक्ने खुशीहरु दिन सक्छ ?